The Bellicose Proxy (transcript)
This is the transcript for The Bellicose Proxy, the sixth episode of Season 7 and the overall seventy-seventh episode of The Venture Bros. Prologue 58 Joralemon Street (Brooklyn Heights, New York) A brownstone facade on a New York street. The Monarch is heard in voiceover. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: I always wondered what was up with this creepy building. Guild Strategic Operations (surface level) The Monarch and Henchman 21, dressed incognito in street clothes, approach Watch and Ward. Ward hands them name tags. [[Watch|'Watch']]: Welcome to The Guild of Calamitous Intent. [[Ward|'Ward']]: Ta-daaaa! Please step on the grating and put these on. Have you eaten breakfast? [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: No. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Not yet. [[Ward|'Ward']]: Good. The floor drops out from underneath them. The Monarch and Henchman 21 scream. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Are you kidding me?! Guild Strategic Operations The elevator arrives at the bottom floor and the door opens. The Monarch, Henchman 21, Watch, and Ward emerge into the subterranean tunnels that make up Guild Strategic Operations. [[Watch|'Watch']]: Here she is--Guild Strategic Operations. [[Ward|'Ward']]: Research and development, agent training, covert undertakings, scams-shams-&-oh-damns, this is where it all goes down. [[Watch|'Watch']]: Every one of these doors leads into the future of organized evil. Watch opens a door. [[The Splotch|'The Splotch']]: Shut the fucking door. [[Ward|'Ward']]: E-Except for that door. That's the men's room. [[The Splotch|'The Splotch']]: Ladies' room! TITLE SCREEN Act 1 Guild Strategic Operations - Blackmail Training Center Watch opens a large red door, allowing himself, Henchman 21, The Monarch, and Ward entry into a dimly lit bedroom. Moans can be heard. A bald, mustachioed man lies on a bed with two prostitutes on top of him. He sits up quickly, with each prostitute falling to either side of him. Man: I-It's not what it looks like! [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Dude, you have the wrong door again. [[Watch|'Watch']]: Right door. [[Ward|'Ward']]: This is the B.T.C. Blackmail Training Center. These women are Guild agents. [[Watch|'Watch']]: And that man has the job I apply for every year. The man leans back down onto the bed and the prostitutes climb back on top of him. [[Watch|'Watch']]: And denied. Guild Strategic Operations - Surgical Alteration Center Ward opens a large red door, allowing himself, Henchman 21, The Monarch, and Watch entry into another dimly lit room from the GSC tunnels. [[Ward|'Ward']]: The S.A.C. —The Surgical Alteration Center. A patient sits on a hospital bed, his head completely wrapped in white gauze bandages. A doctor leans over him, slowly unwrapping the bandages. [[Ward|'Ward']]: Here, after multiple surgical processes, we alter our agents to take the place of the world's most powerful people. The bandages are finally removed, revealing the face of rock musician Dave Grohl. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Dave Grohl? You made a guy into Dave Grohl? [[Watch|'Watch']]: Nobody refuses Dave Grohl. He got a Beatle to be in his band. [[Ward|'Ward']]: And King Diamond! You try that, smart ass. Guild Strategic Operations - Hypnosis Training Center Ward opens a large red door, allowing himself, Henchman 21, The Monarch, and Watch entry into another dimly lit room from the GSC tunnels. A scientist in a white lab coat dangle a swinging pocket watch in front of another scientist seated in a chair. The Egoist, holding a clipboard, stands nearby to observe the process. [[Ward|'Ward']]: The Guild H.T.C. — Hypnosis Training Center. Here we train agents in the use of our own method of speed induction. The Monarch scoffs. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Hypnosis doesn't really work. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Oh, yeah, it's a complete myth. The Egoist turns to look at them, dramatically waving his right hand at The Monarch and Henchman 21. The Egoist: Sleep! The Monarch and Henchman 21 close their eyes and collapse to the floor, unconscious. Guild Strategic Operations - Vicious Animal Training Center Ward opens a large red door, allowing himself, Henchman 21, The Monarch, and Watch entry into another dimly lit room from the GSC tunnels. Henchman 21 hears wild animals snarling and immediately reacts. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Uh, no way. Screw this! [[Ward|'Ward']]: Relax. This is the H.T.C. — The Hologram Training Center. Observe. Ward approaches a growling ocelot. A lion, a wolf, and a warthog make menacing noises in the background. [[Ward|'Ward']]: These are harmless, projected imag— Ward's hand makes contact with the ocelot's head. It hisses at him. [[Ward|'Ward']]: Okay, no, this is real. Watch checks the clipboard in his hand. Ward cautiously backs away from the ocelot. [[Watch|'Watch']]: Wait, no, this is the V.A.T.C. — The Vicious Animal Training Center. [[Ward|'Ward']]: Uh... who's a good ocelot? Let's just leave really slowly. Ward and the rest of the group slowly back out of the door as the wild animals close in on them. They slam the door behind them, closing the animals in the room. Watch's voice can be heard through the closed door. [[Watch|'Watch']]: See? We really need to label these doors. Guild Strategic Operations - Guild Interrogation Hub Ward opens a large red door, allowing himself, Henchman 21, The Monarch, and Watch entry into a large circular room. [[Ward|'Ward']]: This the Guild Interrogation Hub. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: What, it's not the G.I.H.? [[Ward|'Ward']]: No. Why would it be that? [[Watch|'Watch']]: So, anything interest you? [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: We were looking more for field work. Ya know, something to help us level up. [[Ward|'Ward']]: Well, the best thing for that is to be a good “earner”. You bring in looted technology, intel, severed heads, cash... [[Watch|'Watch']]: Oh, there's the Big Villain program. Tutor a Guild newbie for a day, get massive brownie points at your review board. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: I don't know. Maybe? I—Who do I got to tutor? [[Watch|'Watch']]: Uh, the only one available today is St. Cloud. Level one. Arching Billy Quizboy and the Pink Pilgrim. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Dude! They work for Venture! It's Big-headed Billy and that albino guy. We got to do this. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Sweet! We are so in. The Monarch stands excitedly. Henchman 21 takes a step back, accidentally pressing a button on the wall behind him. A darkened, opaque window suddenly becomes transparent, showing Dr. Mrs. The Monarch and Guild Stranger S-464 in an interrogation room on the other side of the glass. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Oops. Sorry. [[Watch|'Watch']]: Please, do not touch anything. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Hey, that's my wife. Hi, sweetness! Watch presses a button. The glass becomes dark and opaque again. [[Ward|'Ward']]: That's secret Guild business, Mr. Monarch. Let's get you to your Little Villain. Guild Strategic Operations - Interrogation Room 8-B Guild Stranger S-464 sits at a table, wearing nothing but red long underwear. Dr. Mrs. The Monarch stands behind him, her hands resting on his shoulders. [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: We can make this nice and comfortable for you. You just confess to being a member of the Peril Partnership, and you're a double agent for the Guild by lunch time. I'm buying. Turkey subs? [[Guild Stranger S-464|'Guild Stranger S-464']]: And if I don't? [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: Well, that's treason. The punishment for that is a classic. It's called the Tub. It's filled with milk, you lay in it, if you're hungry we pour honey on your face. [[Guild Stranger S-464|'Guild Stranger S-464']]: That sounds kind of nice, actually. [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: At first — ya know, till the milk spoils. Soon the tub fills with your excrement, then the flies, and their maggots. At first it itches a bit, then it starts to burn. Your skin peels away with every scratch you can't stop yourself from making. The blood mixes with the foul milk and excrement, seeping into your open wounds. The smell of your own death causes you to vomit into your already toxic coffin. Then the rats. [[Guild Stranger S-464|'Guild Stranger S-464']]: Oh, right, yeah, the Peril Partnership. Is that what you're... Yes, let's talk about them. X-2 - Pier 84 - Hudson River A Guild Wasp helicopter drops The Monarch and Henchman 21 off on the deck of the X-2. The yacht is docked at pier 84 on the Hudson River, next to the USS Intrepid Air and Space Museum. The villain and henchman marvel at the ship as they walk across the deck. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: How? He owns the X-2? How the hell is this guy only a level one Antagonist? [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Right? The X-2? I haven't been aboard this thing in years. It's like visiting the house you grew up in... if you, like, buried a dead guy behind it. Ugh. So eerily familiar. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Ya know what looks familiar? That. That's Blue Thunder. Roy Scheider flew that! [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Dude, remember how ripped he was in "Marathon Man"? He was like Bruce Lee. Frigg'n Roy Scheider — "Jaws" dad, secret six pack. Who knew? Augustus St. Cloud, dressed in his Goldfinger outfit, emerges from a door and joins them on the deck. [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Ahoy, gentlemen. Welcome aboard the X-2, as seen on "The Rusty Venture Show." [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Ah, uh, hello, there, uh, son. Uh, do you know where Mr. St. Cloud is? [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Oh, goodie, I'm being hazed by my Big Villain. I wore my rubber panties just in case you tickle me. I always make wee-wee with tickles. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Are you fucking kidding me? That's St. Cloud? VenTech Tower - Columbus Circle A car drives around Columbus Circle. Car horns honk in the background. Pedestrians mill about. VenTech Tower - Research Laboratory Dr. Venture enters with a green and white striped doughnut box. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: I brought crullers! And one apple fritter that's mine. And two of the crullers are mine as well. Where are you guys? Billy Quizboy pops up from behind a couch, nervously aiming an empty caulking gun at Dr. Venture. [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: Freeze! Alright, prove that you're the real Doc. This is totally a laser gun. Dr. Venture sets the box down on a coffee table. He removes a cruller and sits on the couch. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: No. And what is that, a caulk gun? Pete White emerges from hiding behind a support column. [[Pete White|'Pete White']]: Show what we got in the mail this morning. Billy hands Dr. Venture a scroll. He opens it up to read it, revealing that it is a Declaration of Villainous Aggression. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: "Welcome to your demise, yada yada yada"... Mm-hmm. Dr. Venture mumbles indistinctly as he continues reading the scroll to himself. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: Yeah. You guys, this is a boilerplate Guild threat. Please. [[Pete White|'Pete White']]: I tried to tell him that. Pete picks up a cruller and takes a bite. [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: Liar! You're as freaked as I am, White! [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: Billy, it's a scroll. Hello? It's like being scared of a book report on the Declaration of Independence. [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: Did you not read the part that mentioned disemboweling? It personally threatens my intestines. Dr. Venture sighs to himself, then reaches out to his bodyguard Brock Samson through his jWatch wrist communicator. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: Come in, Brock. We have a level one Guild arching threat. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: (voiceover) So? What do you want, an aspirin or something? [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: See? It's nothing. [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: Where do you keep the caulk? I got to load this bad-boy. Guild Strategic Operations - Interrogation Room 8-B Guild Stranger S-464 sits at a table, wearing nothing but red long underwear, his face buried in his hands. Dr. Mrs. The Monarch stands across from him, extending a pen in her right hand. [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: Just keep an eye on basic Peril Partnership operations. You're more like a concerned friend than a spy. [[Guild Stranger S-464|'Guild Stranger S-464']]: And you'll help me with my problem? [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: Sign it, and I'll do everything I can to — The door slams open and Dr. Z barges into the room. [[Dr. Z|'Dr. Z']]: So you don't want to talk, huh, punky pal? Does a cat have your tongue? Well, I am just the dog to get that cat off of your tongue! Where is the disrupter ray, Mr. Think-you're-tough-guy?! [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: What are you talking about? He's agreed to work with us if we help him get his girlfriend back. [[Dr. Z|'Dr. Z']]: Help get his girlfriend back? Is this interrogation room 8-C? [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: This is room 8-B. [[Dr. Z|'Dr. Z']]: My mistake. You have no need of my super-intimidating bad cop routine. What you need is a make-over! Up tempo music plays. Dr. Z imagines a makeover montage sequence based heavily on the movie Clueless. He laughs aloud. [[Dr. Z|'Dr. Z']]: Then we all get milkshakes! [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: We're not going. [[Guild Stranger S-464|'Guild Stranger S-464']]: I don't want to do that. X-2 - Pier 84 - Hudson River Henchman 21 marvels at the collection of pop culture paraphernalia St. Cloud has aboard the X-2. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Look at all this stuff! That's the 1973 "Sigmund and the Sea Monster" suit. Where did he get this? Pei Wie looks at Henchman 21 but does not respond. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: I like his albino. Quiet. You should take notes on this guy. Augustus St. Cloud walks into the room in his supervillain costume. [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Ta-da! My snazzy villain ensemble. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Ah-h... I don't get it. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: No, no, he's a lightning cloud. Ya know — St. Cloud, cloud hat? [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Should it be tighter, mm, sexier? [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Ooh, God, no! It's already — [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Okay, no — It's a start. So, what's your weaponry, eh? Can you lay down like a blinding smoke cloud, or does lighting come from your hat? [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: These are made of foam core. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Do you have any super powers? Like, ya know, were you bit by a radioactive bug or anything? [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Mm, well, I do have Lupus, Fibromyalgia, and Restless Leg Syndrome. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Mm, maybe we can work with the restless leg? [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Aah. Stop. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Super restless leg. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: That's dumb. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Alright, fine. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: So, you have no special abilities? [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: I have money. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Perfect! We'll get a top-of-the-line lightning rifle, and, uh— [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Cloud bombs loaded with nerve gas! [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Level one, dude, level one. Cloud bombs with laughing gas. VenTech Tower - Penthouse Dr. Venture stands in the hallway, knocking on the door of the bathroom. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: Billy! Let's go in there. Come on, you can't hide in the can all day. I got a belly full of crullers and a delicate colon. Let's go! Billy opens the door and steps out of the bathroom. [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: There are like ten bathrooms in this — Ow. A red paintball splatters on Billy's forehead. He looks up to see Brock Samson crouched in the hallway, aiming the paintball gun at his head. Dr. Venture laughs aloud. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: You're dead. [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: What the hell? I thought we were in time out. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: I told you this — Never be standing behind the door you open. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: It could have been a kill-bot with my voice programmed into it. I actually made one of those. His name was G.U.A.R.D.O., and he could've just killed you. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Behind every door is a threat, every sound is a warning, every shadow is a villain, every step is a — Without turning to look Brock fires the paintball gun behind him. Pete White has a smear of red paint across his torso. [[Pete White|'Pete White']]: Gah! How in the hell did you — [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Billy looked at you. I'm armed, but my back is still turned. You're only wounded. Come at me, hand to hand. Keep low, break my balance. If you have an edge weapon... He just ran away, didn't he? [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: Oh, yeah. I-I'm pretty sure he was crying. Coles Sports and Recreation Center - Manhattan - Rooftop Tennis Courts The Monarch sits in a tennis referee's elevated chair. Henchman 21 stands next to a tennis ball machine. Augustus St. Cloud stands on the opposite side of the court surrounded by a thick cloud of purple smoke, on the other side of the net from Henchman 21 and The Monarch. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: More smoke! Now throw your catch phrase. [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Look out, do-gooders. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Use the P.A.! You're supposed to be big and scary! [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Reset! St. Cloud's voice echoes through the public address system. [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: I hope you brought rubbers, because a storm is coming. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: That's nasty, and not even a little scary. Rubbers? [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Uh, rain booties. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Don't improvise! Reset! [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Hey, what flavor is this fog? It's making me hungry. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Pineapple! Now come out of the smoke and give your evil laugh. St. Cloud emerges on the opposite side of the cloud from The Monarch, facing away from him and 21. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Over here! You're facing the wrong way! [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: The fog is disorienting. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Evil laugh! [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: I will get you... Augustus St. Cloud laughs awkwardly. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: What the hell was that? Are you having an asthma attack? [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: That was my evil laugh. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Ugh, it's disgusting. I mean, it's scary, but in like that gross way. You need a real, from the gut, bone crusher of a laugh. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Reset. Real evil laugh! Do not embarrass me in front of Venture. [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: (softly) Mah-ha-hahaha...mm. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Ew. Will you stop putting that weird groan at the end? Here, listen to a pro. Show him an evil laugh. The Monarch gets to his feet, chuckling to himself. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Gladly. The Monarch cracks his neck, then throws back his head and lets out a booming maniacal laugh. Flocks of pigeons fly away in response. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Reset! Act 2 VenTech Tower - Penthouse Living Room Hank Venture emerges from the elevator and steps into the living room. [[Hank Venture|'Hank Venture']]: Don't put on the kettle, I'm not staying. Just got to pick my clubs. Hank notices Billy hiding behind the couch, cowering in fear. [[Hank Venture|'Hank Venture']]: What the hell are you doing here? Billy replies in a hushed voice. [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: Shh. Brock is training us to fight, so I'm doing what I do best, which is to secretly cower. Hank matches Billy's hushed tone. [[Hank Venture|'Hank Venture']]: Oh. Hey, that reminds me. Hank pulls a paintball gun out from behind his back and shoots at Billy's torso, covering Billy's shirt in red paint. [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: Damn it! Hank laughs triumphantly and holds up his jWatch, displaying Brock's face on the screen to Billy. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: I said trust nobody! Batmobile - Greenwich Village - Manhattan Henchman 21 drives Augustus St. Cloud's Batmobile down the streets of Greenwich Village. The Monarch sits in the passenger seat with St. Cloud cramped in the back seat, his knees pulled up to his chest. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Ugh, I want this car so bad. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: I know you do. So, ready to pull your first penis? [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: That sounds unappetizing. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Oh, no, penis is just an acronym, uh, for Preliminary Effective New Information Schooling. It's like recon, but, uh, you bust shit up. [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Then why not call it recon instead of penis? Henchman 21 stifles a chuckle. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Instead of what? [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Instead of penis. The Monarch and Henchman 21 chuckle in the front seat. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Of what? [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Of penis. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: I can't hear you back there. The Batmobile crosses Christopher Street as it zooms down Gay Street, leaving a trail of smoke in its wake. [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Penis. I said penis. Penis! Guild Strategic Operations - Communications Office Dr. Mrs. The Monarch and Guild Stranger S-464 look over Ward's shoulder as he pulls up information on a large computer monitor. Watch works on a nearby computer. [[Ward|'Ward']]: Yeah, the O.S.I. never changes their passwords. And, boom, here she is Agent Kimberly McManus. A stream of green numbers scroll across the black screen, similar to the code displayed in The Matrix. [[Watch|'Watch']]: Ooo-laa-lushious! Way to go, S-464. Ladies do love exposed brains. [[Guild Stranger S-464|'Guild Stranger S-464']]: How do you know what she looks like? [[Watch|'Watch']]: That's melt-in-your-mouth code we're looking at. [[Ward|'Ward']]: She's working daycare. Level One arches, surveillance, intervention... [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: Do we have any Level One arches scheduled today? [[Watch|'Watch']]: One. Augustus St. Cloud. He just put in a requisition for a Level One lightning rifle and laughing gas grenades. And he paid in cash. Watch and Ward slap each other five. [[Ward|'Ward']]: Dolla-dolla bills, my brotha. [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: All right. Uh, upgrade the lightning rifle to level six and send it out. [[Guild Stranger S-464|'Guild Stranger S-464']]: Mm, six level lighting. That should get her attention. [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: She'll have to intervene on a treaty violation, so will we, and you will get your lady back. [[Ward|'Ward']]: Isn't that, like, dangerous? [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: We're The Guild of Calamitous Intent. We're the bad guys. Own it, gentlemen. Colonel Gentleman's Apartment - Greenwich Village - Manhattan Colonel Gentleman relaxes in the living room of his apartment on Christopher Street, reading the book Rosey Grier's Needlepoint for Men. Augustus St. Cloud smashes through the front window, unceremoniously landing upside down with his cape covering his head. '' [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Uh ow. Eh. Ahem. ''He stands up, puts his cape in its proper place, and addresses Colonel Gentleman. '' [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: I am Augustus St. Cloud, arch nemesis of The Quizboy. I'm here to bust things up and chew bubble gum, and I find bubble gum unpleasant. ''St. Cloud wipes the remaining shards of broken glass off of his uniform. [[Colonel Gentleman|'Colonel Gentleman']]: Oh, ho-ho, laddie boy, you chose the wrong place to talk tough. Colonel Gentleman cracks his knuckles, lifts up St. Cloud by the front of his uniform, then calls back to Rose Whalen in the kitchen. [[Colonel Gentleman|'Colonel Gentleman']]: Rose? Rose, dear? There's a wee-little pest in here! [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: You're stronger than anticipated. Rose wipes her hands on the front of her apron as she walks from the kitchen to the living room. [[Rose Whalen|'Rose Whalen']]: Oh, they're just water bugs, Horace. Honestly. Oh, hello, there. [[Colonel Gentleman|'Colonel Gentleman']]: He says he's here to bust things up. Apparently, he's your son's nemesis. [[Rose Whalen|'Rose Whalen']]: You want to hurt my Billy? Horace, put him down. Mamma bear wants a piece of that action. Rose takes off her apron and hands it to Horace, who backs off from St. Cloud and leaves him to Rose. [[Colonel Gentleman|'Colonel Gentleman']]: Oh, you're in for quite the pummeling, there, sonny. [[Rose Whalen|'Rose Whalen']]: I'll let you take the first swing, and if you don't put me down I'll beat the living shit out of you till my arthritis kicks in, and I just took my Humira. VenTech Tower - Columbus Circle Pei Wie flies the Blue Thunder helicopter through the skies of New York City. He banks over the top of the VenTech tower and releases a stream of purple smoke, writing a message in the sky above the Tower's observation deck. VenTech Tower - Penthouse Living Room Dr. Venture and Brock look out through the penthouse windows at the purple smoke. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: Ugh, who the hell is this now? Didn't you say I'm clear for a while? [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: This isn't for you, it's for them. Billy and Pete are seen cowering behind the couch. [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: I'm sorry! I had to put this place down as our Sanctum. My place is filled with helpless old people. [[Pete White|'Pete White']]: What does it say? Dr. Venture gives a brief exasperated sigh, then reads aloud the message written in the purple smoke. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: "I will get you Mruu-haha." [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: Who's Mruu-haha? Brock sighs with his whole body, his shoulders slouching in the act, the stands straight and faces Billy. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: It's an evil laugh, Billy. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: Wait a minute. That's exactly how The Monarch spells his evil laugh, with the stupid M, R, and two Us. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: You think that's a coincidence? [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: I think it just got personal. Boys, get your coats on. We're stepping up our game. X-2 - Pier 84 - Hudson River The Monarch opens a case to look at the lightning rifle contained inside. Augustus St. Cloud walks into the room wearing a monogrammed purple bathrobe and slippers, his face covered in a thick layer of orangish-bronze makeup. [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Pei put makeup on me. How does it look? [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Less like an old woman beat your face, but more like if Michael Kors worked at the Wonka factory. [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Mmm, goody. So, what's in the case? [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: That, my Little Villain, is your new lightning rifle. 21, why don't you tell 'em what six figures gets ya at the Guild company store. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Rubberized titanium stock and hand guard, air assisted charging handle. Activation bolt, energy magazine release, gives you ten level-one rated blasts, regulated here at the ejection port. 21 cocks the rifle. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Balance at the handle, which doubles as a rear sight drum. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: And that's all the cookies I need to sell to get my merit badge. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Here, give her a go. 21 tosses the lightning rifle to St. Cloud. St. Cloud catches it and falls over backward from the effort. He groans in pain. [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Owie. I landed on my bum-bum. The Monarch groans in disgust. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Help him up and get him changed for his arching. Damn it, it was so cool until then. Specialty Tailoring - Little Italy Brock Samson lights a cigarette outside. Inside the shop Enzo takes Pete White's measurements while Billy and Dr. Venture stand nearby. [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: Four months?! We need these costumes tonight, like, in a couple hours! [[Enzo|'Enzo']]: Oh, you no just steal suits like-a this beautiful rogue here? Enzo pinches Dr. Venture's cheek. [[Enzo|'Enzo']]: Ah! Enzo no stay mad. Rusty good man... mostly. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: Enzo. Enzo? You don't have any old rentals for special friends? [[Enzo|'Enzo']]: You play Enzo's heart strings! Okay! For the pink man, yes, but for him? He's like a bambino. Oh, but his head is like big strong man, like-a man maybe six meters tall. Molto grande! [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: I'll pay double rental. I want these guys invincible for their first New York arching. [[Enzo|'Enzo']]: Ooh! First time? So exciting. I set you up. But Enzo no hear that! Enzo, he know nothing. VenTech Tower - Columbus Circle Agent Kimberly McManus sits in the cab of a tractor trailer truck with DUMMY CORP written on the side. The truck spans four lanes of traffic, blocking the entrance to Columbus Circle from the east side of the VenTech Tower so no vehicles can get through. Car horns honk, their drivers angry about the gridlock. Angry Driver: Hey, move that thing outta here, buddy! [[Agent Kimberly McManus|'Agent Kimberly McManus']]: Not gonna happen, pal! The engine died. Will you take West 56th already? Agent McManus speaks into the CB radio in the cab of her truck. [[Agent Kimberly McManus|'Agent Kimberly McManus']]: Agent McManus, in position. Columbus Circle - Sidewalk The Monarch and Henchman 21 approach Columbus Circle on foot. They both wear black tshirts with a stylized Big Villain logo on the chest. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Level one arches are so cush these days. They never blocked traffic for us when we were coming up. Smoke grenades hiss in the distance. Henchman 21 stops The Monarch. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: I smell pineapple. It is show time! Columbus Circle - Café People run away from a café, screaming in terror. Dr. Mrs. The Monarch sips her latte while Guild Stranger S-464 sits across from her at a café table. [[Guild Stranger S-464|'Guild Stranger S-464']]: Should we go watch now? [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: Mm, yuck. After I finish this latté. It was nine dollars. Nine. For a latté. Columbus Circle fills with a thick cloud of purple smoke. VenTech Tower - Lobby Brock and Dr. Venture stand in the VenTech lobby watching the purple smoke spread through Columbus Circle. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: Ugh. Come on! You got to get out there! [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: No way! I'm not wearing this! [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: Billy, from 1962 till puberty, Delta Boy of Venus kicked ass in that suit. It's nigh impenetrable, now get out there and kick some ass! [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: It can't be any worse than White's. [[Pete White|'Pete White']]: Seriously! I-I really thought a guy called "Killer Drone" would've had a cooler costume. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: Wow. You look like a real... super hero. [[Pete White|'Pete White']]: You look like a can of Diet Pepsi. [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: At least I don't look like the girl from the Blind Melon video. [[Pete White|'Pete White']]: Well, her stinger didn't shoot darts, and her wings didn't actually work. Huh? Huh? Yeah, okay, these don't either. Columbus Circle August St. Cloud's voice rings out from the cloud of purple smoke. [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Billy Quizboy! A storm is coming for you. Put on your rubbers. Mm. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Oh, so close! [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: My god! Don't improvise! [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Hear my thunder! Fear my lighting! St. Cloud fires the lighting rifle. A bolt of electricity strikes the VenTech Tower. VenTech Tower - Lobby [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: W-What do we do? I don't have any weapons or anything. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: Don't worry, White shoots darts from his butt. Your job is to give a heroic speech. Now get out there and do me proud. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: It's Level One, Billy. It's a show. He stuns you, you stun him, he vows revenge, and then you tell him that good always triumphs over evil. [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: Does it? [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Of course not. Now get out there and get this crap over with. You're blocking traffic. Columbus Circle [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Oh, and he's taken out like it's trash day. Swing and a miss! [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Way to go, Venture! Love the costumes! They look nothing like you rescued them from Lidsville! [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Oh! He's coming out! And he's facing the right way! [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Oh, you brought your albino? Coward. I left mine at home. [[Pete White|'Pete White']]: I'm not his albino. People don't own albinos! Eat my darts, St. Cloud! VenTech Tower - Lobby [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: Ugh. So undignified. Were we this bad when we started? Columbus Circle - Café Agent McManus waves her O.S.I. badge as she approaches the café table where Dr. Mrs. The Monarch and Guild Stranger S-464 are still seated. Dr. Mrs. The Monarch continues to sip her nine dollar latté. [[Agent Kimberly McManus|'Agent Kimberly McManus']]: Agent McManus, O.S.I. I'm shutting this down. I've suspicions that your man has an unregistered rifle. [[Guild Stranger S-464|'Guild Stranger S-464']]: Kimberly. It's me, S-464. [[Agent Kimberly McManus|'Agent Kimberly McManus']]: Oh, fantastic. You're on daycare duty, too? Perfect. Just great. Columbus Circle [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: And in the darkest night, even when you can't find a flashlight that isn't, like, out of batteries or something, good always prevails over evil. [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: Take this, Quizboy. St. Cloud pulls the pins on two laughing gas grenades and tosses them pitifully, causing his cape to fly up over his head again. He laughs awkwardly, then moans as the gas hits both him and his adversaries. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Evil laugh fail--and he's just gassed himself. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Ah! Jeez... Coughing and groaning can be heard in the distance. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: What's my wife doing here? St. Cloud, Billy, and Pete cough and laugh in the middle of the cloud of gas. [[Pete White|'Pete White']]: What the hell? Is this laughing gas? You--you moron! [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: St. Cloud... (giggles) ...you asshole! It's go time! Oh, I'm so woozy. White? I'm gonna puke in my Delta Boy suit. Giggling continues. Thunder crashes. [[Augustus St. Cloud|'Augustus St. Cloud']]: (laughing) Who has my rifle? Columbus Circle - Café [[Agent Kimberly McManus|'Agent Kimberly McManus']]: The Peril Partnership are scum, honor-less scum! I said I was done with you, and I meant it! [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: Oh, my god, will you give him a chance? [[Agent Kimberly McManus|'Agent Kimberly McManus']]: I'm sorry, who are you? [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: Uh... excuse me? [[Agent Kimberly McManus|'Agent Kimberly McManus']]: You heard me. [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: Uh, listen, you O.S.I. lackey, I will wipe the floor with your fat, trucker ass. I don't care if he loves you, set all this up, and is helping us spy on the Peril Partnership all for you, 'cause I am going to kick the shit out of you. [[Agent Kimberly McManus|'Agent Kimberly McManus']]: You're a double agent? You did all this for me? Why didn't you just tell me? [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: No, no, no! Screw this happy ending crap! This bitch is gonna get a beatdown! [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Uh... Councilwoman Smith! (laughs) I'm so glad you answered my call. My Little Villain had a mishap with his rifle. [[Henchman 21|'Henchman 21']]: Why don't you two take off? There's gonna be tons of paperwork, and, uh, there's no reason to ruin all our nights. We will handle this. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: You would've lost your seat on the council if you'd fought her. Dr. Mrs. The Monarch sighs. [[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch|'Dr. Mrs. The Monarch']]: Thanks. You saved my life. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: No, I saved your job. I just saved that woman's life. You would've kicked her ass! Music plays as the end credits roll. Post-Credits VenTech Tower - Rooftop Observation Tech Hank and Dean Venture sit near the pool, listening to a highly animated Billy Quizboy and Pete White recount their level one arching against Augustus St. Cloud. [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: So, he shoots me with his rifle, right, and I thought, "I'm dead, this is it." [[Pete White|'Pete White']]: Me, too! Ah, there were all these sparks... [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: Oh! [[Pete White|'Pete White']]: ...flying around him. [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: But the suit, the giant suit, it absorbed the blast, and there I am, still standing. [[Pete White|'Pete White']]: And then I started kicking him, right? Like "Goodfellas" style, just--just wailing on him. Huh? Uh! Uh! [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: Beatin' on his rib cage with his foot. [[Pete White|'Pete White']]: Go get your damn shine box, St. Cloud! [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: Huh? [[Pete White|'Pete White']]: Ha! How do you like that? [[Billy Quizboy|'Billy Quizboy']]: Well, White is just goin' at his rib cage like it's--like there's money in it. [[Pete White|'Pete White']]: Right? Oh, totally! We housed him. Billy and Pete's conversation becomes indistinct. VenTech Tower - Penthouse Dr. Venture and Brock Samson watch the conversation through the sliding glass door of the penthouse living room. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: When, uh, when are you gonna tell 'em that they were hallucinating on nitrous, and, uh, we found the three of them asleep in a little pile? [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture']]: Never. Category:Episode Transcripts Category:Season 7 Category:2018 television episodes